comedy collum

Now Noah was a busy man. Here was a man 600 years old building an ark to save all the animals and his family. Imagine the effect of an ark on the neighbors
hey you up there.
yes?
what is this thing
Its an ark
Heh. you mind movin it out of my driveway? whats it for?
i cant tell you Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
well can you give me a hint
you want a hint
yes please
how long can you tread water? Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

So to choose a new pope the hopefuls go into a little room, smoke a couple of joints and discuss who the next pope is going to be.
how about an itailian
nah we had one a while ago mabe a spaniard like(suave) Ricardo
No ive got it this is a good one a Nazi
they all start laughing and agree
so now we have a german pope

"but i know that there is a country that will never make a weapon of mass destruction and doesnt have a secret weapons facility in the mountains and that is (jamaican accent) jamaica. they wont make an atomic bomb but theyll make an atomic bong with the ataoic bomb theres devistation and radiation with the atomic bong theres celebration (normal) ive never met an angry pot smoker"
credit goes to robin williams

(normal noah CAPS GOD)
Theres a man by the name of noah buit an ark ppl aask wht did noah do and you say well he built an ark but very few ppl acctually know about the conversation that took place between the lord and noah see hoah was in his rec room sawing away making a few items for the home owners hes a good cartenter and hes sawing away
(voobah voobah voobah)
(ding) NOAH
sombody call me? (Voobah Voobah Voobah)
(Ding) NOAH
Who is that
ITS THE LORD NOAH
...Right ...where are ya ...what do you want ive been good?
I WANT YOU TO BUILD AN ARK!
...Right ...Whats an ark
GET SOME WOOD BUILD IT 300 CUBITS BY 50 CUBITS BY 80 CUBITS
...Right ...whats a cubit
OH LETS SEE I USED TO KNOW WHAT A CUBIT WAS WHEN YOUR DONE WITH THAT GO OUT INTO THE WORLD COLLECT ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE WORLD BY TWOS MALE AND FEMALE AND PUT THEN INTO THE ARK
...Right ...who is this really ...why are you asking me to do all of these weird things
IM GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD
Right ...am i on candid camera ...how you gonna do it
IM GONNA MAKE IT RAIN FOR 1000 DAYS AND DROW'EM RIGHT OUT
...Right ...listen to this youll save water make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights and wait for the sewers to back up
...RIGHT

Those are Hilarious.

racist giftcard

A mexican comedian gets a giftcard along with a pingiata the gift card has a picture of a mariachi he reads the gift card and it says welcome to bakers field
immigration control
P.S. we cant wait to meet you

the mexican wonders wtf is going on when there is a knock at the door "who is it" a guy on a bull horn answers "Immigration control" he opens the door ready to explain his situation and there are two of his black friends instead of cops.

The one time white ppl can say nigga Cris Rock

ok now listen close cuz i may never say this shit again. the one time a white person can say nigga ok if its christmas eve between 430 and 449 in the morning your on your way to the toys r us to buy your kid the last transformer doll and right before ou get into the toys r us some black person jumps out in front of you smacks you upside the head with a brick knocks you to the ground stomps on your face "take that you crack ass Mother fucker 3X" river dances on your head "take that you crackass mother fucker 3X" takes your money pisses on you and runs away if your white at that moment you can say "SOMEBODY STOP THAT NIGGA"

(I got this from a kid at school) Spell Ihop then say ness.